Dear insecurity, I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the things you make me think. You make me sick to my stomach and you make me hate myself.
Some days when I wake up and look in the mirror and I hate what I see from my head, to my toes, and everything in between.
Dear insecurity, when will you take your hands off me. When will you let me be who I’m meant to be?
I wish I wasn’t me. So I change who I am. I die for you. You make me blue. If I were you I would hate me too.
You tell me I’m not worth it. And if I’m sad I deserve it. But underneath the surface I’m hurting, searching, and learning.
Dear insecurity, I feel like I’m dying in the inside, but I smile it off. I’m depressed, a mess and alone and it’s all my fault. Did I do something wrong? These feelings are unfair. I over think everything till I hate everything about me.
I think I need some air. (Gasp)
Dear insecurity, today I choose to take your hands off me. Today I choose not to let nobody but Him tell me who I am or who I can be. I am giving my life into his hands. I’m so tired of hiding who I am. I think I’ll be who he created me to be. And be set free.
As I’m sitting here sipping on my cup of hot tea, I’m taking a trip down memory lane. Remembering the good, the bad, and the sad moments of this past year. All the New friendships I’ve gained, friendships I’ve lost, and friendships that grew deeper.
My relationship with God has grown so much deeper because of everything I faced this past year. He has taught me that the only thing that matters in this world is that our relationship with him becomes number one and loving and caring for those around us is really important. He’s showed me that I shouldn’t hold on to things in the past because who wants to live a life with grudges towards people?
My God is good.
He is faithful.
Today is not just another “today” but the first of the clean pages of a whole year waiting for what we will write into our lives and what greatness we’ll pull from within.
Here’s the thing. No matter how you enter this year, whether you’re running into a bright season, whether you’re limping across the finish line or crawling your way out of a tough calendar, you are enough.
What YOU choose to do with your one wild and precious life is the cherry on top of who you already are.
So what is it that you’re speaking over yourself and this coming year? What words are you writing into those blank pages before you?
What big dreams do you have that will be written on the vision board of your walls? Maybe even dreams long forgotten, but beginning to seep back into your memories, stirring a passion even as you read these words on the screen?
What grace will you show yourself in this next season?
One thing that I take away from this past year is that, just because they are in that season of life already, doesn’t mean you need to be in the same season of life.
It’s okay to take those baby steps.
The other day I was watching a child take their first steps. Everyone was holding their breath in anticipation of how far the child would go, exclaiming in celebratory cheer over the smallest of strides.
Like anything new; they didn’t start in a run. First steps aren’t sprints. And just like a new year, a new season of life, though we may feel like it or want to keep up pace with those already seasoned, our first steps aren’t usually the biggest ones we take.
Many times those early steps look more like a tip-toe as wedo it afraid. Too often first-times mean a fall or a tumble, and hopefully it also means we step out again, usually because of the cheers from the sidelines.
This year, there will be steps to celebrate and moments of fear, moments of tumbling, moments of learning by failure. But in each, I want to be present. For you, for me, we will celebrate each stride. I want to allow myself to be me, to reside in grace, and to be happy in where I am and who I am.
I never really know where to start when I talk about you. I can never really pinpoint the very first time you came into my life. You never really came into my life with the abruptness of a train wreck as people imagine. You slid into my shadows as each day progressed. You were so subtle at first, so harmless, but not for long. In time you became the opposite. You planted thoughts into my head filled with self-hatred, anxieties, worthlessness, hopelessness, and worse. So I’m writing you a letter to accept that you’re a part of my life officially. Sure, I’ve talked to a few trusted friends about you, but I’ve never directly addressed you. So congratulations, you’re a part of me.
You pride yourself on being the silent killer, etching your harsh words into the backs of minds until you poke through enough nerves to scream so loudly into our heads that we hear nothing else. People are so scared to talk about you. Scared you’re some sort of contagious illness, as if by being around the ones who have you around their necks, they’ll eventually feel your weight around their ankles. But just because you’re a part of our lives, doesn’t mean we aren’t happy people. While you, depression, have latched yourself to my name, I still identify myself as an individual who is happy with my life. Because on days when I am OK, I can safely say I am aware that I am surrounded by those who love and support me, and on the awful days, the days I feel hopeless and lost, I always have at least one friend to guide me out of your endless darkness, and for that, I will always be thankful.
You always whisper horrible things into my ear, and I want you to know you are wrong, you are so very wrong, and here’s why:
I am enough.
Yours truly,
-A
Back when I was a teenager I struggled with depression. It’s something that doesn’t just leave…it will creep back into my life on random days. Depression is like a deep hole with no way out.
It’s dark.
It’s lonely.
It’s hopeless.
But please don’t think of me in a different way now that I’ve shared this with you. I know there’s a way out. When I feel it creeping in, I reach out to the one who will hold on to me as I’m falling down into the hole. Sometimes I’ll hit before I feel him. Sometimes I’ll catch his hand before I fall all the way in. But I always know there is a way out at the end.
Maybe you have been here or are here. Maybe you know someone who’s in that dark hole.
Hold them tight.
Love them.
Cry with them.
Don’t leave them alone. They may try to push you away or run from you. But please, don’t let them. Because they need someone. And that someone could be you.
Darkness surrounded her, but it did not know the Light that lived in her. It did not know the epic story God was giving her to share. This storm that the darkness sent to destroy her, would be the very storm that God used to fulfill His purpose for her life.
(Flash back to my very first date) We were sitting there at this restaurant eating tacos and he says to me “you’re a type 2.” Me responding and looking really confused (if you really know me, I’m sure you can imagine what my faced looked like. I’m the queen of face expressions) “type what?? Um, I don’t think I have Type 2 diabetes.” He just laughs and says, “no, you don’t have diabetes…you have a heart of gold.” <<< well duh I obviously do..okay.. I’m 98% sure he was just saying that to win my little heart over, but my little prideful heart doesn’t want to admit that I totally fell for those swooning words. The rest of the night we talked about our differences and the Enneagram personality types we were.
I have a love hate feeling about personality tests. I like them because it helps us understand the people around us and why they react to life situations. But I don’t like them because sometimes we can quickly put people in a little box and label them.
I’ve taken the Enneagram (I’m a type 2/9) and the Myers Briggs test (I’m a ESFP).
Lately I’ve been really into trying figuring my personality and why I react to things the way I do. So let me tell you a little about myself…
What’s the difference of the two test?
The Enneagram is how you view the world and the Myers Briggs is how the world views you.
In the enneagram test, there are 9 different types and with those types you have wings on either side of you. And of course you have your weaknesses and your strength…so I’m a type 2, with a wing of 3. And my weakness is a 8 and my strength is a 4. Sounds confusing right? It is..it’s better when someone explains it to you in person and there are pictures!
Type 2 – The Helper
The Caring, Interpersonal Type:
Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
We have named personality type TwoThe Helper because people of this type are either the most genuinely helpful to other people or, when they are less healthy they are the most highly invested inseeing themselvesas helpful. Being generous and going out of their way for others makes Twos feel that theirs is the richest, most meaningful way to live. The love and concern they feel—and the genuine good they do—warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile. Twos are most interested in what they feel to be the “really, really good” things in life—love, closeness, sharing, family, and friendship.
Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Basic Desire: To feel loved
Enneagram Two with a One-Wing: “Servant”
Enneagram Two with a Three-Wing: “The Host/Hostess”
Healthy 2s
When Twos are healthy and in balance, they really are loving, helpful, generous, and considerate. People are drawn to them like bees to honey. Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. They enliven others with their appreciation and attention, helping people to see positive qualities in themselves that they had not previously recognized.
Unhealthy 2s
Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met.They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love.
Myers Briggs – The Entertainer (ESFP)
Entertainers love the spotlight, and all the world’s a stage, they love putting on a show for their friends too, chatting with a unique and earthy wit, soaking up attention and making every outing feel a bit like a party. Utterly social, Entertainers enjoy the simplest things, and there’s no greater joy for them than just having fun with a good group of friends. Entertainers have the strongest aesthetic sense of any personality type. From grooming and outfits to a well-appointed home, Entertainer personalities have an eye for fashion. Knowing what’s attractive the moment they see it, Entertainers aren’t afraid to change their surroundings to reflect their personal style. Entertainers are naturally curious, exploring new designs and styles with ease.
Though it may not always seem like it, Entertainers know that it’s not all about them – they are observant, and very sensitive to others’ emotions. People with this personality type are often the first to help someone talk out a challenging problem, happily providing emotional support and practical advice. However, if the problem is about them, Entertainers are more likely to avoid a conflict altogether than to address it head-on.
Weakness-
Sensitive
Conflict-averse
Easily board
Poor long term planners
Unfocused
Does it sound like me?? I think most of it does! After reading about my personality, it helped me understand why I feel, act and think the way I do in my relationships, whether it’s my friendships, family or dating. Why I get hurt by the things I do, why I feel stressed, and especially the times when I feel lonely and unloved.
Something I recognize in my personality that is a big weakness is, I always feel like I need to be loved. And I try to find that in people. And I find myself believing that lie over and over. But God is the only one who can fill that. Yeah, that sounds so quiche but it’s so true.
Taking care of myself physically and mentally is another weakness of mine. I tend to go, go and go! When I face hard things my natural thing to do is stay so busy so I can’t think about the situation. Being on this social media break has been so good for me mentally.
But let’s take a moment and appreciate my strengths. My relationships in all areas of my life are so very important to me! I often look for the good in people and I like making everyone feel important. I love making time for some one on one time for my friends. When I’m in a dating relationship, that person is more then just a person I’m dating, they have a heart and I care for them just as much as I would if I wasn’t dating them. I care for my teen girls in the ministry… I really don’t know one person I don’t care for. Yes, there are some who I don’t care for as much as other people. But I still care for them. One of God’s greatest commandments is to love your neighbor as yourself. And I think that’s really all we are called to do, love God and love his people.
May my heart chase after yours, God for I am nothing without you.
Wow, it has been a long time since I have blogged. I get all caught up with this thing called life. I know, its a bad habit of mine.
I’ve wanted to share about my decision (that I made on whim) of my social media fast. It’s only the second day of my fast, I’m not at work, and I don’t have any plans. But I’ve washed my bed sheets, showered, meal prepped, budgeted, and spent 45 mins with God this morning, and its only 11!! It’s so sad, but so amazing how much time you have when you don’t waste time looking at what other people are doing with their lives or posting about what we are doing with ours. I’m definitely guilty of that.
The reason I decided to take a break was for a couple of reasons:
1. It’s silly, but you know how you can see who views your stories on IG? Yeah…the last while that has become really important to me. If you’re laughing at me, then laugh…but you can’t tell me that there isn’t that certain person on your ‘cool list’ that you’re just hoping that they see your story. If you don’t face that problem then you’re a much better person then me!
2. This is embarrassing to admit, but comparing. I compare my life. Do you ever feel like life looks greener on the other side of the fence? Some peoples lives look so easy. But you know what? You’re life looks easy to someone else. <<that’s what I keep trying to remind myself .
3. I have a terrible habit of where I’ll mindlessly pick up my phone and start scrolling…I didn’t realize I did that until I’d caught myself doing that these last couple of days. Yesterday I got mad about it and ended up throwing my phone across the room. I don’t have anger issues, but yesterday you wouldn’t of been able to guess otherwise.
4. It helps me avoid the problems going on in my life. Wait…no, that’s wrong…It helps me push aside feelings that I feel when I go through problems in life. Ouch. That has been the hardest part for me so far, it’s like all my feelings and emotions have been catching up with me in these last two days.
How long am I going to fast from it? I haven’t decided yet. So if you’re reading this, WELCOME TO THE RIDE!
P.S This blog is automatically connected to Facebook. So if you have any questions or comments, text me, call me, or message.
I’m so sorry I let you get hurt again. I’m sorry you had to feel this pain. I’m sorry that I never learned the first time.
I’m tired of letting you get hurt. I want to keep you locked up in a box and never let anyone touch you again. I want to put walls up around you, so tall and tough that no one can ever get to you.
I know that what I want to do is not good for you.
If I were to lock you in a box or put up walls around you, you would become cold and lonely. You would stop feeling things.
That heart, is not what you were made to do. You were not made to be locked up. You were not made to be untouched. You heart, were made for the very opposite. You were made to be opened and touched so you could feel in the deepest ways. You were meant to care for people around you. You were made to love so very deeply.
I know letting people in can cause pain and disappointments. But that’s okay. It’s okay feel sad. It’s okay to feel hurt and broke. Because this is life.
Why do I say this?
Because I know there is a man out there that can heal you whenever you get broken. There is this man who with one little touch, can heal all the brokenness and hurt you have ever felt. Continue reading “Dear Heart”→
Happy late Thanksgiving! I apologize for the lack of updating you with what has been going on in my life here. As I always say, its super busy around here! And when I do have time, sitting down to blog sounds like to much thinking. 😉
Thanksgiving week was a week full of fun. The kids had off all that week so we decided to cancel all our programs and do fun things with them during the week!
A couple of us interns had extra spending money so we decided to use that money and take some kids out for a fun day. So Kegan and I took a couple kids to the Wildlife Zoo for the day. It was so fun watching the kids get excited about the animals!
Feeding the giraffes.
Thanksgiving day was spent at the Reeds house. Everyone brought a dish and Stephanie set a nice table out in their back yard. It was a day filled with good friends, food, football, naps, food, games and then we ended the day with watching Elf in their back yard!
The Saturday after Thanksgiving was sweet Madison’s birthday. And also the Ohio state and Michigan game that we all made sure to watch! It was a good day to be a Ohio state fan!
Later that day, Carle, Lala, (one of our teens) and I went to the Phoenix flea market. That was so much fun! This flea market wasn’t one of those where people bring their old crap and try to see it. This flea market was a hipster style one.
The Sunday after, us interns made a fun day trip to Mexico! We headed out early in the morning and arrived there around 10:30 that morning. We walked the shops for a while so Carle could by some souvenirs. For lunch we decided to get some taco and take them to the beach. The rest of the day was spent at the beach, playing games, talking, and just enjoying each others company. Carle and Branden braved the cold water and jumped in! The day couldn’t be more perfect!
Christmas is right around the corner! And with that, there has been lots of decorating, party planning, and parties!
This past Saturday was our bike party. Normally we get to take about 5 kids to this party, but this year we were able to take 19 kids! When we invite them to this party, we don’t say anything about the bikes, that is the big surprise at the end!
This weekend there is another Christmas party! We are pairing up with another group and throwing a BIG party at the Garfield school. And when I mean big…I mean over a thousand people are expected at this party. Aim Right is having a after party at the church for just the kids after. We are going to have games and door prizes for them. I’m excited for it! Its sounds like a lot of fun! And then that evening Aim Right North is having their staff Christmas party. It will be a day of parties! And I’m not complaining!
With all this going on, I find myself forgetting what this season is all about. Its so much more then just the parties, food, and fun times. I read this the other day…
Each of us is an innkeeper who decides if there is room for Jesus. Neal A Maxwell
Do I have room for Jesus this holiday?
Do you have room for Jesus?
Because our busy schedule, I probably won’t be doing another update till I’m home. Im on my last stretch. 17 day countdown begins. Until then, peace be with you and see you on the other side!
Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One – you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make yours,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One gave you up – that’s all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years;
Heredity or environment – which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling – neither – just two different kinds of love.
To the mother I never met,
Sometimes I wish I could sit down with you over a cup of coffee and ask you some questions about the day you felt when you heard the news you where pregnant with a little girl. I can’t began to imagine…maybe excited? Scared? Nervous? Or perhaps sad because you knew that you would have to give me up one day. I would like to know how you and my birth dad met. What your names are. I would like to know if I had other siblings, a brother? A sister? Or maybe I was the only child? Do I have lots of cousins? Aunts? Uncles? I would like to know whos eyes I got, or smile. Yours or dads? Whos side of the family did I get my shortness from? I would like to know why you picked Gua Li Ming for my name…Did you name me after a grandparent? Does it have a special meaning? When is my real birthday?
I would like to ask you about the day you left me. The day you left me all wrapped up in a blanket at the police station. Why did you choose to leave me there? Was it because you knew that someone would find me? Do you ever wonder where I am? Do you ever wonder what I look like? If I’m short? If I take after you or my birth dad? Do you ever wonder if I’m safe?
I just want to say, thank you. Thank you for caring about me enough to leave me at the police station. It might of been one of the hardest things you had to do, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. The people at the police station took me to a orphanage and there they took care of me.
Across the ocean there was this white couple from a little town call Fair Play in South Carolina. They where told they couldn’t have kids of their own so they started with the adoption process. It was a along process with lots of money and prayers! During that time, God blessed them with a miracle. A little baby boy of their own! So now they weren’t only going to have one baby, but two! The waiting process was long..one day, they received something in the mail. It was papers and a picture of a little girl. They where told they finally had a match. I was almost three years old. I didn’t know if this family wanted me, because on my papers it said I was a little three year old who was special needs. Who would want a special needs baby? They said I had a heart conditions. But that didn’t stop this family. They choose me. ME. So after their little boy was born, they came for me! They told me it was quite an adventure! But God made everything work out perfect.
They said that they remember when they first saw me. They said I drove up in a limo and my nanny opened the door. And in her arms, there I was. The little girl they have been praying for a long time. Who everyone was praying for. I was tiny, I was dirty, and I was scared. (I was also eating food.) They fell in love.
I want you to know I am good. I am safe. I am happy. I am better then good. I have a family who loves me and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They taught me so many things. They taught me how to love, and that Jesus loves me. I have a brother who I am best friends with. I have a sister who is adopted too and because of that, we are close. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I am 21 years old. I am currently living in Phoenix, Arizona working with children who need love like I did.
I would like to think that one day we will meet. If not here on this earth, up in heaven. If it wasn’t for that brave decision you made to leave me, I wouldn’t be here. Thank you.
Aleisha Li Ming Boley
The first picture my parents got of me..The first time they saw me.
my first time eating ice cream.
jamming out to music 😉
Eating again….
We where greeted by our church family and baby Kris when we got off the airplane
I’m sitting here wearing all black, my hair is up in a messy bun, and my feet are propped up on the chair in front of me. I’m am sitting here typing away on my lap top, listing to the sounds of coffee being made, and the music playing in the back ground. I have a half eaten pumpkin muffin and hot green tea sitting next to my laptop. Once in a while I looks up and obverses the people around me. I see two girls on their laptops working on collage papers and a guy on his laptop and writing things down. But I sees more then just young people on their laptops working on school, I see beautiful stories behind them….
Yesterday I had a good talk with one of my really good friends that I got to know, love and work with over this past year. We talked about the person I was when I first came out here to the person I am now. I use to always think I needed people beside me all the time. Now, I need time alone to function right. The way I see people, instead of putting them into a box because of how they look. I like to get to know them and listen to their stories. And I know I’ve grown spiritually, I’m not saying I’m all holy and all..I know I just matured in that area and I know that God still has so much more to teach me!
This morning I got up early to escape and make some time for myself to just chill. I feel like life has been so busy and a little overwhelming.
After my family left, my cousin from Ohio came out to visit me for my birthday. She was here for a week. She hung out with me and helped with things around the mission that needed to be done. She got to help with our fall festival, which was awesome! One of the days we made a day trip to Rocky Point, Mexico with the Branden, Kegan and Lourdes. It was so much fun! We walked the streets and shopped a little in the little side shops. And then we went to the beach. That was my favorite part, Lourdes, Kegan and I jumped into the water with just the clothes we had. The water was the perfect temperature to swim in, we saw little black and yellow striped fish, caught a baby shrimp, and saw some sting rays. We also got to ride on banana boat. Then we ended the night by stopping on the side of the road to gaze at the beautiful stars. It was a good week! And it was fun having her out here.:)
chilling in Mexico 🙂
My cousin left on Wednesday and on that Friday another friend came out. Emily, a friend from South Carolina came for the weekend. The plan was to originally take me home, but since I extended my stay, we took that time and went to L.A California for a short girls trip. Everything worked out perfect, we got to stay with some really nice girls who let us stay at their small apartment for the weekend. Emily and I saw a lot of things in the two full days we where there!
Mr Holmes Bakery was my favorite little place!
Santa Monica Pier
The last book store was probably the biggest book store I have ever been to!
Stopping in at the flower market was a must do!
Because I can’t take plants home with me on the airplane, I bought the guys a cactus!
Emily left this past Tuesday…and then my friend, Dani from South Carolina came on Wednesday..yeah, I have been blessed with lots of company this past month. I love having them come out and see what my life is really like out here. Dani has just been chilling with me while she is here. I have gotten to take her out to lots of my favorite places to eat, we went shopping today and tomorrow she will be going to the Wild life zoo with us and some kids. She will be heading out Tuesday evening to go back home. Till then, we will continue to party on! 🙂
site seeing with some of my favorite people
It sounds like I have been parting a lot…I have been enjoying all the company I’ve been having. But having company hasn’t stopped my work. I still do everything and try to hang out with my friends. Though with the 3 other interns out here my load has lighten up some! And I’m so grateful for them!
Last Sunday, Carle Troyer from Holmes county, Ohio came out. She’s a artistic, sweet, and loves plants as much as I do. She has only been here for a week, but I can tell that she will do great with the girls here. Its so nice to know that when I leave, I’m leaving a girl intern here to take over my girls group. This past Thursday she joined my teen girls bible study. We made it a fun night by going somewhere and painting pottery. It was a good time for Carle to get to know the girls some and it was due for a fun girls night!
Our Monday night bible study also know as Fusion Night, at Aim Right North has grown and keeps growing. This past week we had 30 teens in our little building. With that many kids (mostly boys) sometimes it feels like we are doing more crowd control then getting to know them. Or maybe that’s just me since its harder for a girl to relate to these guys.
Here are some random pictures of a couple fall activities we’ve been up to..
Kegan and I took a group of teens hiking up Squaw Peak on Sunday evening…
So proud of this girl for making it to the top!The view from the top
It may not look or feel like fall around here but it doesn’t mean we cant do fally things.:)
Saturday afternoons are good for pumpkin carving.
These last couple of weeks the thought of leaving has been on my mind a lot. I honestly don’t know how I’m gonna handle it when I step on that airplane. Right now, my heart is just breaking. It feels just like it did when I left home to come here. Good byes have always been really hard for me. But I guess things must come to a end so a new chapter of life can start. And who knows…God might bring me back here one day!
A couple things to keep in prayer…
As the holidays are coming up it gets pretty busy around here, so just pray that we remember the reasons for the seasons…
For my last month here just be a good one.
And for my health. Lately, I haven’t been feeling good..so I’m going to the doctor whenever I can get in. Its not fun to not have energy to make it through the day with our busy schedule here. So hopefully we can figure it out!
dghteroftheking 